Being Elijah's dad
How I went From Fearing Fatherhood to Freedom and Fun in Fatherhood
By Theontae Bonner
“Too Scared to have kids and do like they did because I’m so scared of failing.”
I remember hearing that line from Anthony Hamilton and it always stuck with me.
I had no idea what fatherhood entailed but I knew lots of men that had failed at it. There were good men, bad men, poor men, rich men, black men, white men… no one seemed exempt.
My answer to this wasn’t to “figure out” how to be a good father someday but rather, I resolved to not have any kids. But then life happened, and I found out I was going to have a son.
I spent those months being afraid of not knowing how I was going to handle being a dad.
Would I be strong enough, smart enough, wise enough, rich enough, and tough enough to be a parent?
The day my son was born was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but instead it was clouded with fear, stress, anxiety and worry.
He was born 7 days after my 24th birthday and I had nothing for him as he laid in the hospital crying.
The nurse sensed something in me and said, “Say something, Dad. He may recognize your voice.”
I said, “Hey Elijah. It’s okay son.” His crying stopped and he looked around for my voice.
He felt comforted and protected by my voice. He didn’t know anything else about the world. But my voice was familiar and he found comfort in it.
On my very first day of Fatherhood I learned a valuable lesson: As broken as I am as a man, I was completely whole as a Father. My money, my status, or how I felt about myself didn’t change anything in his eyes. I was enough for him.
So what would you do if you knew you were enough for your kids just as you are?
For me, that meant that I had to make sure I did everything in my power to not fail him but it kept playing in my mind that so many others have failed… So what would make me the exception?
I knew that I had to do something different than what other Fathers did and I couldn’t be the same Father that I saw on TV or modeled in the homes around me.
The ones that work all day and come home and want to be by themselves. They are big on providing but don’t really focus on being healthy or showing healthy habits. They let mom handle all things “nurturing” and are uninvolved unless it’s about discipline. The most they ever get excited for are sports and “homie hangouts.”
Do you know any dad’s like that? I know a few and I feared being like them.
I had a choice… I could let fear be the catalyst or the obstacle to succeeding as a Father.
I chose for it to be a catalyst and I knew that before I could be a better Father, I had to be a better man.
“On my very first day of Fatherhood I learned a valuable lesson: As broken as I am as a man, I was completely whole as a Father. My money, my status, or how I felt about myself didn’t change anything in his eyes. I was enough for him. “
To be honest, I had no idea where to start, but I remembered a quote I heard during my junior year of high school at a Youth Conference…
“The difference between you today and you in 5 years will be the books you read and the people you meet.”
So I started reading books. I wanted to read a book a week and had to learn how to speed read in order to get it done.
One day, I saw Elijah sitting up with his baby book upside down as he mimicked how I speed read and it hit me…
All of his habits, ideologies, character traits (and flaws) were going to be almost an exact copy and model of the life he sees most, mine. What’s even better (or worse) is that he’ll say, “for as long as I remember I’ve always been this way.”
In that moment I realized that I have to become everything I want my son to be. I have to react the way I’d want my son to react. I have to hustle the way I want him to hustle. I have to work toward becoming what I envision my son to be.
But I felt like life had given me so many insecurities and mental blocks and taken so much joy, creativity, and fearlessness away from me that I didn’t know who I was let alone who I was capable of becoming.
So how do you handle knowing that you need to become better but not knowing what to become better at or the kind of better you’re looking for?
This was probably the most important question I’ve ever asked and one that led to the biggest discovery one day at the Long Beach Aquarium.
The sharks were his favorite spot and he was determined to touch them. We sat there for what seemed like 3 days with him being so damn determined to touch these sharks.
I became frustrated with him.
I told him his arms were too short, it was taking too long, I was getting tired. But it didn’t matter to him. He was going to touch the sharks no matter what.
That’s when I realized that the behavior he was exhibiting were the exact things that make people successful. That his determination and perseverance was something I lacked. His patience, at that moment, of course, was something I was envious of. His lack of concern for the logistics of his arm length and water depth. He didn’t have any fears of the sharks. He was persistent and patient and fearless: all of the qualities of successful men and women.
This was his natural state… my natural state… but while I had lost mine , he was living it.
So what do I do? Do I make the executive decision to cut him short and to allow others to tell him what He can’t do? Or do I get down on the ground and I make myself more like HIM?
Isn’t it amazing that wanting to be better FOR Elijah turned into me learning FROM Elijah what I should model for him?
I got on the ground with him and I had FUN and was able to go back home and add to the list of qualities and things I wanted to model for him.
It was an EASY decision to make once I was open to seeing things from Elijah’s perspective.
So, Being Elijah’s Dad taught me that if I’m going to experience freedom and fun in fatherhood instead of failure then I have to become the type of person I’d want my kid to be and allow for Elijah to be a teacher as much as he is a student.
This year, it’s my goal to help as many Dad’s as possible create the world they want their kids to live in by creating the habits and mindsets needed to better enjoy fatherhood.
Being Elijah’s Dad isn’t easy. I haven’t figured it all out, yet. It’s still a struggle some days.
But I don’t have the same fears anymore, and I’m constantly getting better. I’m more clear on who I am and who I want to become and I get to prepare a phenomenal future for my son in the process.
I want this same transformation to take place for every struggling dad out there.
So if you’re ready to see the Fathers of Future changed forever, give me a thumbs up in the comments below!